On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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