Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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