Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
