u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
