I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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