what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
