my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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