I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
