um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
