I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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