I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
