if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
