Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
