I CAN MOONWALK!
barbara walters just said penis...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
