I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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