his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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