I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
