My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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