And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
