I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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