I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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