just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
