Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
