Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
