i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This house was built for laser tag.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
