She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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