New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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