Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
