Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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