Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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