Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
