You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Please, let me fuck your mom
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
