So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
