it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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