Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
