You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
