if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
