i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
