I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
