does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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