dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
