i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
