i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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