In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
