You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
