His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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