I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
