Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
