best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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