You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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