You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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