my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
