she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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