Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize