I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
