Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
