But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
