It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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