Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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