I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
