So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
