Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
