and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
